


Hands and Faces, Earth and Sky

by MarchForOurGays



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Nyota Uhura, Hanahaki Disease, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15585702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarchForOurGays/pseuds/MarchForOurGays
Summary: Meditating in the peace and quiet of his quarters usually helps calm his mind, the lull of logic and order rectifying his brain after spending eight hours on a bridge full of rambunctious humans, cursing, screaming, and grumpy, metaphor filled southern doctors armed to the teeth with hypo sprays can make any Vulcan loose their state of mind inseconds.Spock knows healreadyhas, the blue petals which remind him of his captain's eyes and the green blood from his lungs that he coughs up on the side is just an added bonus to the chaos.





	Hands and Faces, Earth and Sky

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen many a fic where Jim has Hanahaki disease for pining after his first officer, but I've never seen one where Spock's the one who has it. If you know of one, shoutout in the comments below! Otherwise, I hope you enjoy!

 

Spock doesn't remember when he started coughing up blue petals and his own viridian blood.

 

That's a lie, he knows  _exactly_ when this debacle started.

 

It was the day of a mission, from the surface it seemed to be an altogether unimportant and meaningless one, a blur among the others. Spock had been secretly praying to Surak for an uneventful day, but Spock knew better than that. There was almost  _never_ a normal day on board the  _Enterprise,_ but, he was allowed to hope. Hope might seem illogical to Vulcans, but after spending time with rambunctious humans every day, not knowing what trouble they would cause, or get themselves into, Spock would say that to hope was rather logical. If only the people who tormented him all of his childhood could see him now, almost visibly praying for a calm day,  _hoping_ for at least a day where someone or something would not fry Spock's mental facilities. 

 

But alas, the universe was not on his side, and Spock doesn't think it's ever been.

 

Watching his captain being torn apart from spears wielded by a primitive tribe was _almost_ enough to make him snap, Nyota would say otherwise, since Spock was beamed onto the transporter pad covered in yellow blood and holding the captain, who looked a little worse for wear, bridal style in his arms, his phaser clenched in a rock hard grip which bent the metal casing. Plus he growled at anyone but McCoy who dared to come near him and the Captain. 

 

Spock doesn't remember the growling, and he doesn't know if he trusts Nyota enough to not tell him something false. 

 

Spock remembers McCoy walking into his office in his surgical scrubs covered in the Captain's blood, shaking his head. Leonard's eyes, hand gestures, and deep, almost mournful sighs, tells everything Spock needed to know before seeing his Captain once again, in a cryotube, pale as the hospital gown he was wearing, not breathing, just laying there silent, not even a smile on the exuberant face Spock had come to know  _so well._

 

Spock destroys his quarters after he returns from Sickbay, getting the all clear from McCoy before ripping everything to shreds in his wake, he's lucky the quarters were soundproof, or else people might've thought that Spock was, in human terms 'off his rocker'. He then sneaks into Kirk's quarters, crawls into his bed and  _sleeps._

 

Spock will never admit that every night he dreams of his Captain, this night was no different. 

 

He doesn't realize when he wakes up that the coughing sound was coming from himself. Until he feels something rise in his throat which makes him sprint to the bathroom he shares with Kirk.

 

He vomits until his throat stops tickling and his stomach feels like it's been ripped out of his chest. Spock looks down at the contents of the toilet to see green blood,  _his blood,_ and ice blue petals which reminds Spock of his Captain's eyes. His Captain, who was currently in sickbay, in a cryotube, possibly dying, and all Spock wanted to do was hold Kirk's hand while he slept. 

 

 _That_ thought caused Spock to vomit again, this time less violently than before. 

 

Which brings us to now, eleven months later after the first of many,  _many_ incidents.

 

Kirk survives, of course, and Spock is no better at not thinking and dreaming of his Captain, he has taken up an excuse of getting Vulcan tea, or getting a message from his father or counterpart, to prevent anyone from seeing him coughing, yes, coughing now, thank Surak or else Spock  _would_ have to take sick leave. Which would tear himself away from his Captain and his smile, and his energy, and his heart. 

 

Spock coughed up another two petals for that. Damnit.

 

He has also thrown the illogicality of not using human swear words out of the window, since he's dying, Spock decided to live a little. Although he only says them internally or out loud when he's utterly alone. Plus, he digresses, he feels like he's one step closer to understanding the enigma that is James Tiberius Kirk, an enigma Spock has yet to unravel or decipher. 

 

Nyota now knows, as she saw Spock cough up blood and petals while he was entering his quarters. She sat with him while Spock revealed his thoughts about Jim in between coughs and petals escaping his lungs, she even wiped the blood running from his mouth with her sleeve. Spock knows that in some other time and not having been completely homosexual from the beginning of his life that he would have married this beautiful woman, cared for her, and loved her until the end of his dying days. He already loves her, she knows that, but it's not the same kind of love Spock feels for his Captain, and she understands with grace and compassion that other women would never have.

 

The timeline for the Hanahaki disease is around twelve months, before the person dies by asphyxiation of blood and petals suffocating them. By Spock's calculations, he only has one month to live before the disease kills him, and that's one month more of seeing Jim's eyes, his smile, hearing his laugh, his banter with Leonard, Hikaru, Pavel, Scotty, Nyota, and others. Spock now almost refers to everyone by their first name instead of their rank and last name, again, he decides to live a little, given his impending death.

 

Surprisingly, given his eidetic memory, Spock could never tell you when he fell in love with James T. Kirk. And yes, even for a Vulcan, you can forget things. 

 

He believes that this love grew over time, he pushed it back into the depths of his mind and called it friendly affection. Which was utter bullshit, and his body was now exacting revenge because of suppressing his emotions over the years, Spock honestly considered telling Jim about his disease, but he honestly doesn't know if  _'I am in love with you and my body is exacting it's revenge on me for loving you but I know you are heterosexual and I would not force you to love me so please just let me die surrounded by my family and friends,"_   would not sound like he's going, or already gone completely insane.

 

The worst thing about this completely illogical disease is that when Spock tries to avoid Jim, avoid his love for Jim, Spock spends the entire night over the toilet and wallowing in self pity, which, again is illogical, but Spock does it anyway and he's far from caring about not feeling emotions anymore. But he's careful about showing them on his actual face. Nyota says that Spock already looks at Jim like he had 'hung the moon' but that's only because she's seen and known about his pining for months now, and Spock trusts her enough to not tell anybody, hopefully, he's already seen McCoy look right through him, his eyes questioning but Spock was lucky enough to have an ensign with lab reports walk up to him in that moment, and he'd never been so thankful for the chaotic schedule he was assigned. 

 

The days pass in a blur of missions, swearing, and an increase in the utter destruction of his mental facilities. Spock mainly focuses on work and making sure that his Captain, his friends, remember him after he's gone. He doesn't care if he died a hero, or a cold-hearted, emotionless, green-blooded alien who never truly belonged. He just wants the people he loved to think of him from time to time.

 

He finally comms Michael, and she screams at him over the view-screen for three hours for not calling her for almost four years, until her voice is hoarse and her tears of pain and anger have dried up and she's just looking at him like she  _knows_ and Spock wouldn't put it past her to know, she's extremely intelligent and he loves her deeply, and he's sad that no one will get to meet Michael Burnham and her fierce love for her family, her own ship, and her wife-Spock's always loved Tilly, she reminded him of his own love for humanity, and one human in question. 

 

Jim tries to invite Spock over for a drink or to play chess after their shifts sometimes, Spock usually refuses, hoping that he doesn't suffocate on the spot for having the love of his life in a room alone with him. But, one night wouldn't kill him, hopefully.

 

Spock puts up a valiant effort playing a game of chess without coughing, trying to focus on the game itself instead of looking into the Captain's eyes. Shit, Spock feels like he has to cough, and Jim can obviously see the discomfort on Spock's face, Jim's own contorting into a concerned look that Spock can't help but think is adorable. 

 

Damn, he feels bile in his mouth. Uttering an "Please excuse me Jim," in his now wrecked voice thanks to the barricade of petals blocking his windpipe before dashing through the bathroom and into his own room, gagging into the trashbin he now keeps beside his bed before hearing footsteps run after him, a panicked voice calls out his name and then feels a hand on his back. Spock lurches away to see Jim sitting beside him on the bed and  _oh_ if that sight and thought makes Spock vomit more well, no one has to know. Besides Jim, who is currently sitting on Spock's bed, rubbing Spock's back while he coughs up blood into a trashbin. Jim, who sees what Spock's hacking out of his lungs, even though Spock's efforts to conceal said disgusting contents goes unnoticed while Spock sees on Jim's face that Jim doesn't know what this completely stupid disease is. Spock hopes that Jim can't see his heart breaking, no,  _shattering_ into a trillion pieces on the floor of his room.

 

Remember when Spock hoped that one night alone with Jim wouldn't kill him?

 

 _'Please just let me die in peace,'_ Spock thinks and possibly utters, he can't hear since Jim is screaming at Leonard through his comm before closing his eyes and falling back on the bed. 

 

 

************************************

 

 

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck  _Fuck._

 

Jim screams at Leonard through his comm to get down to Spock's quarters  _now._ Panicking and ruffling his hair with his free hand, Jim doesn't know what to think. He just saw his best friend throw up his own blood and ice blue flower petals for chrissakes. Jim's never even heard Spock  _sneeze,_   so of course Jim is scared shitless. 

 

"Jim! What the hell's goin' on?" Bones barked, arms laden with medical supplies and hypos to the gills already sweating with the stress that's to come. Jim's heart starts to race and can barely form sentences, but he manages to bark out the words "Spock- flowers- blood,  _lots_ of blood," Bones curses up a storm before turning Spock on his right side, to help the crap coming up from his lungs flow freely, and to not have him choke on his own vomit easily. Jim sits heavily down on the bed next to Spock, tears of hurt, sorrow, and a million different emotions flow through Jim, before looking up at his other best friend.

 

"What's happened to him Bones?" Leonard takes a deep breath before speaking.

 

"It's called Hanahaki disease Jim, it's where someone starts to vomit or cough up flower petals and their own blood from their lungs. It's common with people who have unrequited love, AKA you love someone and you either think the don't love you back, or they actually don't love you back. You die from asphyxiation around a year after you first experience symptoms, from what's going on right now and from what I've seen before, Spock's time is up Jim. Unless the person he loves either professes their love for him, or Spock kisses the person he loves, that's the only way to cure the disease." 

 

"And we have no fucking clue as to who Spock could be in love with," Jim responded, a large breath releasing itself from his chest, but it does nothing to help the pain that Jim feels when his stomach twists tighter than before.

 

"It's you, Jim." Nyota speaks, walking into Spock's room, her eyes filled with unshed tears, voice shaking, heavy breaths flooding the now silent room, before she breaks it again. "Spock's in love with you," 

 

"Why didn't he ever tell me?" Jim croaks, looking up at her.

 

"He didn't want to ruin the friendship and the bond that you two have, so he kept silent," 

 

"If it would have saved his life I wouldn't have cared," Jim spat out with a snarl, looking over at the sickly pale Vulcan beside him, grabbing Spock's wrist with his hand. 

 

"Leave me with him," Jim orders quietly, almost a whisper, but thankfully both Nyota and Leonard hear him, and exit Spock's quarters without a sound. 

 

"Damnit Spock," Jim chokes out, tears freely flowing down his face when he hears the door close with a hiss. 

 

"I'm the absolute  _worst_ person to fall in love with, anyone who's come _near_ me knows that," He gets off of the bed slowly, as to not disturb the unconscious Vulcan. And then proceeds to pace around the room and scream at either himself or Spock.

 

"I'm fucked up! Completely and utterly  _fucked up!_ How could anyone ever love me?" Jim took a futile breath before kicking something of Spock's across the room, Jim felt slightly guilty, but mainly was feeling like the infant Frank had called him for years while beating him. All of his life Jim felt like no singular person could love him. Sure, there was Bones, but that was more of a brotherly love instead of a romantic love. He was close to Bones but no one had looked at him with utter  _love_ in their eyes, enough to make Jim completely fall head over heels for them. Suddenly Jim's mind supplied a picture of Spock, looking at Jim in conversation, and  _oh, there was something_ _Jim didn't notice before._   Spock had some sort of  _look_ in his eyes, something Jim couldn't place. Another image flashed through Jim's mind, another one of Spock, but this time it was fear and pure dread on his First Officer's face. Jim remembered that he was being wheeled off to surgery because of some altercation with a Klingon bird of prey, and Jim had of course been abducted and tortured for the glory of the Klingon Empire. God, that was a shitty three days, until his ship came and rescued him. Jim remembered that his only thoughts were of his crew and, mainly  _Spock._ He didn't know how he would survive without his XO, and after Jim had woken up in Sickbay, the first thing he wanted to do was see Spock's face, and give him a hug, one that consisted of warmth and love. 

 

 _Wait just a minute, just one fucking minute._ Jim thought, and halted in his pacing. 

 

Love. 

 

Oh god, was he in love with his First Officer? His best friend?

 

"No, no fucking way can I be in love with him," Jim said out loud, as if audibly saying something would help put his mind at ease. It doesn't help at all. 

 

"I-I mean, Spock is cute, and by cute I mean hot as all hell, he's crazy smart, he always backs me up on any decision I make even if he bitches about how it's illogical, and he... he always protects me, but how can he be in love with  _me?"_ Jim's mind supplies him with another picture, one from about an hour ago while they were playing chess before they were interrupted with this can of worms that was opened a  _long_ tine ago, of Spock making the only eye contact with Jim all night and  _god_ Spock looked at Jim like he wanted to give him the  _universe._

 

Fuck. Yeah, he was definitely in love with his first officer.

 

Jim moved to take his place up again on the bed next to Spock. Grabbing Spock's hand Jim scooted closer towards the Vulcan until they were a hairsbreadth apart. Well, it was now or never. Jim cradled Spock's face with his hand and  _fuck_ he's a goner. 

 

"Spock, if you can hear me," Jim whispered, breath ruffling Spock's bangs the tiniest bit and hell if that isn't adorable then Jim doesn't know what is.

 

"I'm really fucking crazy, but, I love you Spock, I'm  _in_ love with you. So if you can please wake up because I don't really wanna talk to you while your sleeping so if you can- _mph"_ And Spock was kissing him, holy  _fuck Spock was kissing him._

 

Yeah, Jim's a goner for sure, but, he really doesn't care at all. And _fuck_ Spock has not wasted in the kissing department, intertwining his tongue with Jim's before pulling back causing Jim to whimper. 

 

"You love me." Jim chuckles at Spock's blank response before settling in his First Officer's lap, arms wrapped around Spock's neck.

 

"Mhm... try coughing and see if anything comes up now," Jim smirks, Spock tightens his grip around Jim's body and then proceeds to kiss Jim thoroughly. Jim's body sings with happiness like he's never felt before, and there's no way in hell he wants to stop this feeling.

 

"Ashaya, do not make jokes now," Jim smiles and turns completely into mush in front of Spock's eyes. Spock holds his-finally,  _his_ Captain close and thanks every illogical deity in the universe for granting him this one wish. And for only the second time in Spock's life, he  _smiles._

 

    

**Author's Note:**

> A (1) in my Inbox is all I need in life


End file.
